Full Circle

Jeremy's brother Joe and his family are in town visiting from LA and we went into San Francisco with them today. We headed for the Haight--the same neighborhood I lived in when I first came to the city 13.5 years ago. It felt so strange to be back there again--that place is stuck in such a time warp. The people never seem to change, the street is always filled with what seems to be the exact panhandlers, homeless youth, hippies, dreadlocked potheads, eccentric types that were there when I lived there. It is like time stands still and the same folks just keep circulating about, on some psychadelic moving sidewalk. As if to underscore this, at one point, we passed a couple of panhandlers with a particularly memorable sign, and then we passed them several blocks later. I thought for a second that I was hallucinating until Jeremy pointed out that it was in fact the same people, and they just moved up the street. I was so caught up in my reverie about the people never changing that I guess I got stuck in some pretty literal thinking. Anyway.....

What was different about being there this time was that I was now with my infant daughter, feeling very much like a grown-up. I was very aware of feeling every bit of my 36 years as I stood there and watched ghosts walk by.

When I lived there, I was 23, and on my own in a city where I knew only one person. I lived in a two bedroom apartment two blocks from the famed intersection of Haight and Ashbury and every day, I would walk up and down the street, wandering into the shops, walking through Golden Gate Park, and writing really bad and sad poetry in my journal. It was a sometimes lonely and challenging time for me but looking back, I see that it was something that I needed to go through in order to get where I am today. I saw my former self walking around today, and recognized myself in many faces. The neighborhood seems to attract lost souls because it offers the promise of finally fitting in someplace after years of feeling like there isn't a place for you. Very idealistic and full of possibility. San Francisco in general always strikes me as the real-world version of the Island of Misfit Toys. Needless to say, I felt right at home.
I fell in love with it-- the park, the people, the architecture.....

It felt poignant to be back there today, now that we are on the verge of a big move to Ann Arbor, where I also last lived when I was fresh out of college. I feel like I am coming full circle, as if there were two me's on that street today. I was the 23- year- old girl, broken-hearted, who had no idea how her life would turn out, and I was the 36 -year-old woman enjoying a day with her family, content and secure, with fourteen years of life experience to accompany me. I no longer feel lost, and more days than not, I don't feel much like a misfit anymore. Getting older certainly has some benefits.

I am very excited about our move and at the same time, there is sadness. We will be leaving many wonderful friends behind, and I am very in touch with my grief. When I moved to California in 1993, I don't remember being in touch with any feelings of grief or sadness. I barely remember how I decided to come out here, or how I planned the move. I know I saved some money and picked a date, but beyond that, the whole things is a bit blurry. I know that the decision wasn't nearly as integrated and thought out as our decision to move to Ann Arbor now. We had talked about it numerous times in the past, but we always backed off. I often wondered if we would ever do it, or what would help us make our decision.

Well in July 2006 we got our answer.



So in a few short months, we are moving our family across the country. I have faith that we will find more wonderful people to surround us, and that we will make our way. Of course, we will continue to nurture our connections in California too. On a deep level, it all just feels right. I feel like we can give her a great childhood in Ann Arbor where she can grow up in a safe neighborhood, ride her bike around, go to great schools, and really get to know my parents. When I was 23, I could not have answered the question of whether I would ever return to Michgan. But now, with Noa in tow, the answer has been revealed. The next adventure begins.

I look forward to getting reacquainted with the town where I went to college, looking at it with new eyes. And in the meantime, I will look at every last thing in the Bay Area with appreciation, and take in every last drop until we are driving our packed car out on 80 east.